by Rebecca Cartwright Wicke
The Cleavers. The Bradys. The Stones. For decades, these were the models for the traditional All- American family. Dad made the money, mom stayed at home, raising the kids. Dinner was on the table at five o’clock sharp every night – not a minute later – and a wide picket fence encircled their slice of American heaven. But, things have changed and that’s not necessarily the case anymore.
Our definition of family has broadened and family structures in general have changed. While it used to be uncommon for women to be anything but caregivers, now it is not too uncommon for dads and grandparents to take over child rearing, while women remain in the workforce.
The Pew Research Center reports that in 2015, mothers were the primary breadwinners in 40% of families with children under 18. That’s a drastic change from decades prior; in 1960, for example, mothers were primary breadwinners in only 11% of families with children, and most of those were single parent households.
According to Dr. Michael Stovall, the chair of the Social Sciences department at Carroll Community College, this is due to a variety of factors.
“Standards have shifted. Education is important. People are waiting longer to get married, cohabitating before they get married and are deferring having children,” he explains.
As Stovall notes, the decision to defer having children is motivated by finances, as well as education. He notes that more women are receiving a college education today than men. Not only that, but they want to put their educations to use, meaning that they often times wait until their older to have children. This also has resulted in a rise in stay at home dads.
According to the Pew Research Center, there were roughly 2 million stay at home dads in 2014, a number that has slowly been increasing over the past several years.
For Alex Shaikh, a local stay at home dad to his two daughters, becoming a stay at home dad was a choice – and a rewarding one at that.
After working for a commercial builder, the Kennedy Krieger Institute, and then a medical review company, he became a stay at home dad when he felt uncertainty with the company he was at and he and his wife had heard about friends struggling with daycares. He and his wife, Lorna who works at Carroll Hospital Center, were excited for him to have the opportunity to stay at home when their first daughter was born.
“When I changed jobs, my wife was already 3 months pregnant, and we had bounced around the idea of me staying home. Friends of ours had just had a baby and were struggling with almost constant illnesses from their daycare situation, so it was something that came up at around the time I was looking for a change. My wife was onboard, so I went ahead and put in notice. I was really excited to stay at home, but I knew it was going to be a challenge,” he explains.
He enjoys watching them develop new interests and hobbies, and he also loves spending time with them when they have off of school. He also has a lot of fond memories of their “crazy adventures,” like when they took a kinder-music class.
“For certain, everyday is not Disneyland – a favorite saying of mine – but we try to have fun,” he explains.
Alex considers himself and his family fortunate to have had the opportunity to choose that he stays at home. As he notes, others don’t necessarily have that option.
“I truly feel lucky to be able to stay home, although it takes a lot of work. Some families are forced by economics to have one parent not working. We were very fortunate to be able to choose. Either way, it’s not easy but it is rewarding. That is how I figure the best things in life turn out to be,” he describes.
Not only has there been an increase in stay at home dads, but there has also been an increase in grandparents playing a role in child rearing as well.
The Pew Research Center reports that roughly one in ten children live with a grandparent, while nearly 3 million children have a grandparent as their primary caregiver. According to Dr. Stovall, this is the result of an increased life expectancy.
“As the life expectancy increases, grandparents may retire in their 60s and have plenty of active years to step in and help raise the grandchildren. Some even retire early to stay at home with their grandchildren,” he notes.
No matter who is doing the child rearing, it’s important that family members nurture their relationships with each other and keep the lines of communication open, according to Amy Gilford, the executive director of the Marriage and Relationship Education Center in Westminster.
She notes that many families today struggle with taking the time for each other and communicating.
“If I could encourage families to do one thing, it would be to be intentional about protecting the family dinner hour. There’s a huge opportunity here to build meaningful relationships with our kids, teach them our family’s values, to build confidence in those beliefs and of course show them they are loved. When I talk to students, one of common wishes they have for their families is more time together, having funs, with parents listening, not just giving advice,” she says.
The goal of Gilford’s Marriage and Relationship Education Center is to strengthen families, and she notes that that often times starts with strengthening the relationship between a couple in order to strengthen the family bond on the whole.
The Marriage and Relationship Education Center offers classes to help couples handle the many struggles that life throws at them. As Gilford notes, 41% of marriages end in divorce – less than the common statistic that half of marriages end in divorce.
“There’s an abundance of scholarly research that shows that family stability is linked to positive outcomes in every measurable area for children and couples. Adults who marry are wealthier, healthier, and live longer, happier lives. Women are far less likely to be abused and men are six times less likely to be in prison. Businesses report that employees in healthy marriages are more reliable, loyal, productive and more likely to boost company morale and profits,” she explains.
While families face an abundance of struggles today that didn’t exist years ago, they have a wider range of solutions. Rather than being confined by tradition, they have the opportunity to figure out what works for them. Families have even been redefining what family means.
“Family is a collection of things. Not everyone views family the same way. Some people view friends as family. They have people who aren’t related to them, but consider them family. But then they have cousins that they consider as technically family, but who they don’t value as family,” Stovall explains.
Less than half of children live with “traditional” families, according to the Pew Research Center. This means that it is less common to find a family where the children are raised by their biological mother and father. Families are becoming more diverse, and who is doing the parenting is changing as well.
The traditional concept of family is no longer the only socially acceptable one, and the idea that mothers stay at home while fathers are the breadwinners is no longer the expectation.
Imagine June Cleaver bringing home the bacon instead of cooking it. Imagine Carol Brady as an architect, while Mike stayed at home, carting the kids to school plays and football games. What was once unimaginable is now reality.
