Written By Sherwood Kohn
The other day, I opened a catalogue and came across a picture of a giant Swiss Army Knife. It was about 9 inches wide and offered 85 foldaway implements. It was obviously a parody of the original multitool.
Later, I checked online and found the knife for sale for $1,005. Impressive. Especially since one would have to carry the giant Swiss Army Knife in a wagon or wheelbarrow if he wanted to use it. Even then, it seemed to me to be more than a little unwieldy. Or maybe just a gag gift.
Then, later on, I was looking through the Sunday paper and found a jacket advertised as having 26 pockets – count Ôem, 26 – built-in conduits for your headphones, a special feature for your iPhone that enables you to work its applications without removing the instrument from your pocket, and a pouch large enough to accommodate your iPad. In addition, the jacket had removable sleeves, so you could wear it as a vest. It was the sartorial version of the Swiss army knife, although I doubt that the jacket was Swiss army issue. Or that the Swiss army had anything to do with a giant knife, for that matter.
Some time later, I went looking for a cell phone. Just a phone. But there was nothing available that did not have a keyboard and at least 12 apps, including weather, GPS, calendar, clock, music, email and search functions.
Then it hit me. The geeks have taken over. We are living in the age of the Swiss army concept, or rather a grotesque mutation of what was once a practical field implement. The geeks have found a way to pack everyday objects with every function that they think we want. It doesn’t matter how unwieldy the tool gets. If the geeks can shoehorn an application into it, they will. The whole business seems to me to be the height of arrogance.
I do not see an end to it. Miniaturization will enable the geeks to cram an infinite number of tools into everything. Pretty soon, your bed will double as a computer (with a keyboard instead of a headboard), or your wristwatch may double as a taxicab. At least that would solve the problem of not being able to get a cab when it rains.
Meanwhile, I challenge you to buy a simple cell phone; one that just sends and receives phone calls. If you find one that isn’t a retro model or one designed for the geriatric trade, please let me know.
And do you think that the Swiss army really issues to its soldiers a knife with 85 foldaway implements? Or that people really need 12 apps or more on their cell phones? Or that the manual that came with your cell phone really tells you how to use it? Come on.
The geeks are obviously out of control. Somebody ought to make them carry one of those giant Swiss army knives around for a day. And teach them English.
