Written By Patricia Rouzer
Cupid’s love-tipped arrows can sometimes go hideously astray.
Such was the case with Ann, a Carroll County resident. The ink on the marriage license was barely dry when Ann’s new husband began trying to control her every move.
He refused to give her a house key. Often he took her car keys so she could not leave the house in his absence. He railed at her about the grocery bill and money she spent on prescriptions. He screamed at her for buying gasoline for her car. He, however, spent as much as he liked on whatever he liked.
“I constantly worried about what I might say or do that might set him off,” said Ann.
Ann’s teenage daughter from a previous relationship proved an incendiary flashpoint. Although she lived with her father, when she visited Ann could count on abuse from her husband.
“He would blow up about her listening to her music, even though she listened with headphones,” said Ann.
Anger over household issues and money escalated to accusations of infidelity.
“If I was late coming home from physical therapy,” she said, “he accused me of having an affair with my therapist.
“After I got a job, he accused me of affairs with men I worked with. Most of them were in their 20s; I was in my 40s and their supervisor. He accused me of working the night shift so that I could carry on affairs. He was totally irrational – it was insane.”
Verbal invective progressed to pushing and slapping.
Over the course of the marriage, Ann left twice before she finally gave up. Her third departure ended two years of marital hell.
“I told him I was going apartment hunting,” she said. “He charged at me and grabbed for my car keys. I pulled back. He ran out the door. I thought he was going to come back and kill me.”
Terror-filled nights haunted by dreams of being murdered spurred Ann to seek help. She moved temporarily into Carroll County’s domestic violence shelter. (Location of the shelter is a closely guarded to protect victims of abuse.)
It was a turning point and it set her free.
For Connie Sgarlata, Assistant Executive Director of Family and Children’s Services (FCS) of Central Maryland, which operates the shelter, Ann’s painful tale is regrettably common.
Each year more than 1,000 Carroll Countians contact her nonprofit agency seeking advice, help and sometimes shelter, to help them deal with abusive partners. Most are women – often with children – who don’t know where to turn or what to do.
In addition to the shelter, the agency operates a 24-hour domestic violence hotline staffed by trained volunteers, to provide professional counseling and help abuse victims navigate the legal system. That includes obtaining protective orders, if necessary, to prohibit the abuser from contacting or coming near the victim.
Sometimes victims find FCS on their own. Sometimes the courts, other agencies or local police departments refer them. FCS works closely with the county’s police agencies.
FCS has developed an 11-question assessment quiz that police administer when responding to domestic violence calls. In that way, they can determine if the abused person is at immediate risk of serious injury or even death. If, based on the quiz results, police determine there is an immediate threat, the officer will encourage the abused spouse to leave the scene – often in vain.
Statistics documenting domestic abuse-related assaults, rapes and homicides are not broken out in standard crime reports, making it difficult to determine how much of the nation’s total violent crime is rooted in domestic abuse, said Sgarlata.
Victims often remain with their batterers no matter how savage the abuse. Sgarlata sees as many reasons for victims’ reluctance to leave as there are domestic violence victims.
There are underlying reasons – no matter how illogical or obscure – that initially cause two people to form a relationship.
“They get something out of it or they wouldn’t be in it,” said Sgarlata.
Once together, people stay together because they need that “something.” And often abused partners fear for their own safety and that of their children if they leave. Many do not know how to support themselves and their children or simply have nowhere to go.
“If a woman doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have job skills or hasn’t been in the workforce for a long time,” Sgarlata said, “she may stay in a bad, even life-threatening situation, because she fears she can’t make it on her own and, if she has children, she can’t provide for them.”
Sometimes, one or both parties come from homes where physical or emotional abuse was “normal.” And even when a victim comes from a nonviolent family environment, after sustained emotional and physical abuse, she may have difficulty determining what a normal, healthy relationship really is.
Ann’s experience bears this out.
“Until I went to the shelter,” she said, “I thought I might be over-reacting. Sometimes I thought I was overly sensitive. After getting counseling, I realized he was using the threats and accusations to control me.”
Not surprisingly, domestic violence has its seasons. Sgarlata usually sees a decline between Thanksgiving and Christmas as families work toward celebrating a picture-book holiday. After New Year’s, however, it spikes as bills come due and economic stresses mount. Domestic abuse increases on Super Bowl Sunday, when many enhance their game viewing pleasure with excessive alcohol consumption, a factor that almost always exacerbates domestic abuse.
Sgarlata notes that domestic abuse victims come from all socio-economic strata. They are young and old, college graduates and high school dropouts. Higher income, better-educated victims simply have more resources on which to draw if they decide to leave their relationships.
Ann is a college-educated professional with a master’s degree. After living briefly in the shelter, she is now financially independent, has a good job and a home of her own. Her former husband keeps his distance and she feels safe.
“If I had a friend who was being abused,” she said, “I’d tell her to call Family and Children’s Services to get help and get out. The shelter gives women a place to go, and the counseling they provide helps you get mentally stronger to handle what you have to handle. I would tell her that you deserve to live a life where you aren’t constantly afraid.”
INFORMATION:
The 24-hour domestic violence hotline number is 410-857-0077.
The Carroll County office of Family and Children’s Services of Central Maryland is located at 22 North Court Street in Westminster. The phone number during regular business hours is 410-876-1233.
