SPECIAL SECTION: AGING WITH GRACE
by Kym Liddick-Byrnes
Gail Cousins of Taneytown said she thought her mother’s weight loss, paranoia, lack of motivation to leave the house and to do things she had always enjoyed were symptoms of depression resulting from being a widow and living alone.
But as her mother, Dotty Harry, continued to deteriorate mentally and physically, Gail and her older sister, Jill Burnett, sought further medical treatment and testing and were devastated to learn that their mother was likely suffering from the effects of Alzheimer’s.
“We assumed it was depression because she is a widow and had in the last few years also lost both of her parents and she was living alone and retired,” Gail said. “She stopped wanting to do things, she stopped wanting to drive, go out to eat, exercise. She never seemed to have any regular routines like meals, bedtime and so on.”
Gail said her sister has taken on many of the responsibilities and decision making involving the care of their mother, who is now living in an assisted care facility in Westminster. Gail said that being a single mom of young children, working full time and coaching youth sports teams leaves her little time to do more than visit her mom regularly.
“I have seen this really take a toll on my sister emotionally. She was always more of the calm, relaxed one and now she has so much on her that she is constantly overwhelmed,” Gail said. “For me, I have internalized the feelings and every once in a while am able to have a good cry over it.”
Memory loss can be a result of temporary and treatable problems like thyroid issues or medications, or it can be the result of more serious disease such as Alzheimer’s and dementia. The first thing to do when it appears that memory loss is becoming a problem is to seek medical attention, experts say. A doctor can run tests to determine causes of the memory loss and help the patient and caregivers understand if and how it might progress.
According to the National Institutes of Health, Alzheimer’s disease is an irreversible, progressive brain disorder that slowly destroys memory and thinking skills and, eventually, the ability to carry out the simplest tasks.
In most people with Alzheimer’s, symptoms first appear in their mid-60s. It is estimated that approximately 5 million Americans suffer from the disease, a number that will continue to rise as the population ages.
One of the biggest challenges – for the loved one and the caregiver – is transitioning a loved one out of his or her home and into a facility that provides medical and living care.
According to John Henry, the director of the Health Care Center and Diven House at Carroll Lutheran Village, there comes a time when memory problems become a health and safety issue. People often turn to skilled nursing facilities or assisted living facilities when it is clear that a parent’s safety is at risk living alone or with another elderly adult.
“If you are concerned that the patient might wander outside on a cold winter night and not get back home or that she might be washing the toaster, it might be time to look at a facility that provides consistent and comprehensive care,” Henry said.
Henry said the goal of assisted living is to allow the patients to experience as many pleasant experiences as possible, keeping in mind that with memory loss often comes confusion, disorientation, agitation, and sometimes paranoia. Henry said that it is important to surround the patient with a supportive environment in which caregivers emphasize what a person can still do.
So often, Henry says, family members get caught up in what a person used to do, “she used to play the piano or she used to be great at playing cards” instead of focusing on what someone is able to do now.
Gail said that there is a hopelessness that comes with watching her mom, who just turned 70 at the end of last year, suffer through this illness.
“Although my sister and I are there every day to visit and there are nurses and therapists there all the time, I still cry feeling like she is all alone,” Gail said. “The thought of her going to sleep confused as to where she is or scared that someone is trying to kill her and the thought of her waking up wondering what is going on, is horrible.”
Research suggests that there is a genetic component to Alzheimer’s, leaving many family caregivers to wonder if the plight unfolding before them is also their future. Henry said that it’s important that family members and caregivers seek out support groups and resources to help them cope with the stress and emotional turmoil that comes with watching a loved one progress through the disease.
Jill said she has been able to lean on and learn from a friend whose mother is also living with Alzheimer’s.
“As dementia patients can sometimes be mean, she reminds me to have thick skin and try not to let the hurtful things bother me,” Jill said.
And Gail, who said that her primary resource for emotional support is her sister, admitted that her own future weighs heavy on her mind, knowing that she doesn’t want her children to experience what she is going through.
“I would also be lying if I didn’t say that I am scared to death that I will end up like her,” Gail said.
To learn more about Alzheimer’s and find local resources, visit www.alz.org/maryland.
Helping a loved one cope with Memory Loss
- Leave notes around the house to help them remember, i.e. turn off the lights next to the light switch, phone numbers by the telephone, label cabinets with the contents.
- Buy a weekly pill box for medications.
- It’s easy for a caregiver to burn out when taking on the tasks of being a cook, chauffer and financial manager for a loved one dealing with memory problems. Experts suggest that caregivers share the work load with other friends and family, and that they join a support group.
- While still able to make informed decisions, encourage your loved one to make advanced directives – legal documents that spell out what he wants in terms of medical treatment and end of life care.
- Work with professionals, learn from resources like the Alzheimer’s Association and lean on others in support groups to understand what the patient is going through with each stage of the disease’s progression. For example, Henry said that a family member might get frustrated that her mom keeps asking where her mother is, a mother who has been dead for a decade. Henry said it can be traumatizing to tell her that her mother is dead as she will be forced to relive the death of her mother as if it just happened.
- Poor coordination, forgetfulness and confusion are a dangerous mix when operating a vehicle. If you are concerned about a loved one driving, tell her why. Then talk to her doctor and finally, if necessary, make an appointment with the motor vehicle administration to get her assessed.
