SPECIAL SECTION: AGING WITH GRACE
by Anne Blue
When it came time to downsize, Pam and Bob Valis’ adult children were eager to help their parents pare down their belongings.
They knew the fish poacher belonged in the “give away” pile. After all, they had never seen their mom use it.
But Pam saw it differently: she knew the fish poacher was in great shape and she just might use it again, so she put it back in the pile of items to move to the new house.
“That fish poacher moved back and forth between those two piles,” laughed Pam, “until my kids gave in and my fish poacher made the move.”
Pam and Bob Valis, long time Carroll County residents and owners of a small business in Eldersburg, exemplify couples who are choosing to move from large family homes where they raised their children into smaller, more manageable living spaces.
Many of the circumstances that nudged them toward downsizing mirror circumstances that should be signs to couples who are older that it’s time to scale back.
“The snowstorms during the winter of 2010 and some health issues in recent years pushed us to downsize,” explained Pam. “Our kids were grown and we didn’t need the space. We were tired of maintaining a big house, a pool. Bob was tired of mowing an acre of lawn and plowing our long driveway in the winter.”
The Valis’ considered multiple options before purchasing a home in the Coventry community in Westminster, one of several 55+ communities in Carroll County, which offer a variety of amenities to people over age 55.
“We still have our own home, with a two car garage and most of the spaces we had in our old house,” said Pam. “But there are no steps and everything is on a smaller scale. We don’t have to take care of a yard or do snow removal.”
For the Valis’, downsizing was a multi-step process. After purchasing their new home at Coventry, Pam and Bob continued to live in their family home for six more months. They used the time to sort through over 30 years of accumulated stuff and prepare the home to sell.
Multiple crock pots, kitchen gadgets galore, sets of towels and sheets, books, sports equipment, kids’ school yearbooks, trophies and toys, holiday decorations, odd pieces of furniture, photo albums, VCR tapes, record albums, framed prints — the inventory of items the Valis’ sorted through grew as they excavated closets, the attic, and basement.
“We had plenty of storage space in our old attic and garage,” explained Valis, “So we didn’t think about whether or not we should keep things.”
During the sorting process, the Valis’ filled a moving pod with items they planned to keep. They also sold many items through the Internet, took 15 truckloads to the dump, and finally, plunked down $115 per month to rent a storage unit in Westminster for the rest.
The Valis’ thought they would have the storage unit for a mere two months, but a year later, they had to force themselves to clean it out.
“It was very freeing that our kids did not want to save things and they helped us get rid of stuff,” explained Pam. “ I am happy that we did this while we are healthy and we got to make the decisions.”
“It was a big favor to our children,” continued Pam. “If something happens to us, they don’t have much to get rid of.”
Shelley and Tim Chinskey are another Carroll County couple who downsized just last year. Tim, 70, is retired and Shelley is in her mid-fifties. Several life circumstances in recent years pushed them to move from their 3,000 square foot home of 25 years to an 800 square foot apartment in Westminster.
Being a Realtor played a huge role in Shelley Chinskey’s preparations for downsizing.
“Many people wait too long to take care of their house,” she explained. “As a realtor, I know what it takes to sell a home. We spent about three years thinking about downsizing and we spread the big-ticket financial projects over that time period – a new roof, new carpet, painting, fixing a costly leak in the basement, etc.”
Both Chinskey and Valis kept enough items to stage their homes for selling, then continued to declutter and downsize their possessions.
“We spent about three months decluttering,” said Chinskey. “It is so hard at first, very emotional!”
“But then there is a tipping point,” explained Chinskey. “Maybe you get a little money for some items, or your house looks cleaner. You just have to move forward.”
Chinskey also believes people have a hard time coming to grips with the reality of what their belongings are actually worth today.
“In our generation, when you got married, you registered for china and silver and we all have that stuff,” said Chinskey. “But no one wants china and silver any more, and you will not get much, if any, money for those things now.”
Chinskey advises people to move boldly past these emotional blocks. Be ready to part with things; remember that you used them for all those years and got joy from them.
“Downsizing is a path to personal happiness,” explains Chinskey. “‘Stuff’ clutters your house, clutters your brain, and clutters your life. If you can get rid of your extraneous stuff then your house, your brain and your life will be cleaner and you will be happier.”
Both Chinskey and Valis ended up donating many items to local charities and just giving things away to family and friends.
Pam Valis remembers vividly her daughter’s bedroom set.
“We purchased a very nice set of furniture for her bedroom long ago and planned for her to take it to her own home one day,” said Valis. “But, when it came time for us to move, she did not have room for it, and we ended up just giving it away. It was sad for me.”
If people wait too long, they may not get to make all the decisions about their downsizing.
“My mother worked until she was 82-years-old, driving and cooking for herself,” related Westminster resident Julie Goge. “I saw a few signs that she was slipping mentally, then one day she called and asked if my stepfather was at my house because she had not seen him all day.”
“My stepfather had been dead for awhile, so I knew there was a problem and I was going to have to take action,” explained Goge.
Over a two-year period, Goge downsized her mother from her five bedroom home, first to a one-bedroom apartment, then into several different single rooms for greater levels of care.
Goge brought in an auctioneer who held an estate sale to clean out and sell most of the items in her mother’s house. Then Goge was able to sell the house and move on with caring for her mother.
“I lived a nightmare,” said Goge. “I did not have time to deal with my mother’s home and possessions. And, I had to move her multiple times over two years until we found a placement that was the best fit for her condition.”
Though her mom is doing well in a memory care facility now, Goge advises others to talk to their family members and put a plan in place before it is too late.
“If my mom had been willing to make a plan with us before her health declined, she could have moved herself into a place of her choosing,” said Goge.
Several area businesses specialize in helping people downsize.
Mary Helen Dennis, owner of My Confidant, Inc., helps people organize their papers and create very clear filing systems so they have easy access to their all their important documents.
Additionally, she can help people create a “Life Book” which has all of a person’s essential information in one notebook including family contacts, and information about finances, insurance, medical, property, and bills.
Dennis considers organizing papers and documents a key part of the downsizing process that should be done before people move.
“Once people make the move, all of their papers are organized, and all of their essential information is in their Life Book,” said Dennis. “If someone experiences any health or memory problems, then it is easy for their family members to pull out the Life Book or go through their files and find the documents they need.”
For the actual move, Ryan Burns’ company, Stress Free Solutions, specializes in helping older people with all their moving needs, especially downsizing.
“There is no ‘typical’ job for us,” explained Burns. “A small job might be spending two hours moving one curio cabinet or we may spend several months cleaning out a large home and helping someone downsize to a smaller place.”
“Downsizing can be very emotional because there are so many memories connected with our possessions and it can be hard to let things go,” said Burns.
“We look at every item, and involve the client as much as possible in all the decision making. Even if everything is neat and organized, with downsizing, all of it cannot fit in the new space.”
Burns’ advises people to start decluttering early and do it often. His company uses the acronym OHIO – Only Handle It Once – so decisions are made and there is no “churning” or going through piles multiple times.
And what about Pam Valis’ fish poacher that churned from pile to pile before her move?
“The kids were right,” laughed Valis, “I did not need it! I sold the fish poacher in a yard sale shortly after we moved to our new home.”
