SPECIAL SECTION: AGING WITH GRACE

by Lisa Moody Breslin

You’re drinking more to calm down at night. You can’t sleep unless you have a few drinks. Medical conditions are flaring up.

You’re losing your patience in the grocery line, or snapping at people you would not have snapped at in the past. Your parents’ lawn is getting mowed but yours is not.

These could all be signs that, as a caregiver or someone who is making a transition from one place to another, you need assistance.  At a minimum, you probably need someone other than a friend or relative to talk to.

“Many people don’t realize that Medicare has generous benefits for those over 65 who have a diagnosable anxiety or stress-related condition. For folks who have Medicare with supplemental plans, there are no copays,” said Dr. Heather Locklear, an individual practioner in Eldersburg.

Caregivers can use their insurance for therapy to help with the stress of caring for the senior. They can also suggest a family session to help the whole family adjust, which would be covered under the senior’s Medicare plan.

As a psychologist with a PhD, Locklear knows the behaviors that signal the counseling is needed well. She has counseled children who are caregivers and advised older residents as they age.

Her oldest client is 86.

Locklear has helped people untangle the fears and pain linked to transition. She has helped caregivers learn how to avoid treating seniors like infants; she has helped seniors trust.

“We are a youth-obsessed culture, which makes getting older hard,” Locklear said. “We want to pretend that aging doesn’t happen or even that the elderly don’t exist. We just don’t do a good enough job of valuing their gifts, knowing what they can still contribute, taking time to listen to their stories, learning from their memories.”

What we do well, we could do even better, she added.

We could do a better job of including older family members or friends in the process; start conversations before crisis.

It’s never too early to start the conversations.

“If someone is hesitant to talk, try and then retreat. And then try again,” Locklear suggested. “Offer a little information at a time and give them time to get used to the idea.”

If parents can’t see the problems linked to staying in their own home, children have to be honest.

“Just say it. ‘This is getting to be too much for us. We can’t mow the grass four times a month. We can’t get here.’ “  Or, “Your roof will need to be replaced in a couple of years.’ “ Or, “ We would like for you to have as much money as possible.’ ”

The caregivers who do it all and never complain are actually making the problem worse, she added.

Most of the people she has counseled say they wished they had come in before they were at the end of their emotional rope.

“Friends are wonderful, but in counseling they have guaranteed confidentiality, objective advice and honesty,” Locklear said. “Ideally, counselors don’t just pat you on the hand and say, ‘Everything will be fine, dear.’”

Whether you are considering home care services or relocating, the transition involves facing some loss in your level of independence, which often brings with it feelings of shame, embarrassment, fear, confusion and anger.

For older residents about to make a transition, Lochlear and others suggest the following:

  • Communicate your needs with family and loved ones.
  • Be patient with yourself.
  • Be open to new possibilities.
  • Find a way of accepting help that makes you comfortable.

For caregivers:

  • Explain how care may prolong independence.
  • Help your loved one cope with the loss of independence.
  • Suggest a trial run.
  • Don’t expect to handle all care yourself.

Additional source referenced for this article: www.HelpGuide.org