Written By Donna Engle
As Donna Scrivner cooks breakfast at her Westminster home, she thinks about her son, Ryan Payne. Has he had dinner? Is he all right? Seven hours ahead and 6,000 miles east, Marine Cpl. Ryan Payne may be having a hot meal in the mess hall or grabbing a power bar inside a tank rumbling across the Iraqi desert. Or lying wounded on the sand.
Donna cannot know. Not knowing means worry, anxiety, sleepless nights for parents with sons or daughters in Iraq or Afghanistan, mothers of Carroll military personnel say. Cell phones and e-mail have made possible communication that American families never dreamed of during any previous war, but mothers still do not know, moment to moment, whether their sons or daughters are safe.
And May, which contains both Mother’s Day and Memorial Day, can be an emotional roller-coaster for mothers of military personnel.
Mothers face their children’s military service with courage, pride, tears, prayer, exercise to reduce stress, support from husbands, family and community. They log on to LISTSERVs for support and updated information. They send cookies, warm socks and chocolate to outposts. They manage to sound upbeat in phone calls and e-mails, because, as Alison Malachowski explained, if the community supports the family, the family can support the soldier so the soldier can complete the mission.
Donna and Michael Scrivner are dealing for the third time with the anxiety of having a child in a war zone. Their oldest son, Justin Payne, has spent two tours in Iraq with the Marine Corps, was promoted to sergeant, and is now a student at University of Maryland College Park. Ryan, who is due back from Iraq in mid-May, was a leading wide receiver on the Westminster High School football team and was recruited to play football at Shepherd University, West Virginia.
Ryan started college, but wanted to be a Marine. He left for boot camp the day after Christmas, 2006, and was sent to Iraq in October, 2008. “He has a wonderful attitude. Each time we talk to him, he says, ÔI’m not complaining. It’s okay. I’m okay,’” Donna said.
Ryan is now stationed at a small base headquarters, but when the unit is out in the field, the men sleep on or in a tank, and small things like a cold soda become treasures.
Having been through the experience before reduces the worry slightly, Donna said. The family has support from the community and their church, Dickey Memorial Presbyterian, which has sent care packages and posted photos of Ryan and patriotic decorations in a collection area for the packages. His sister, Taylor Scrivner, and her fifth-grade class wrote letters. His fiance’s niece and her preschool classmates sent handmade cards. Firefighters who remember Ryan as a former president of the Westminster Junior Firefighters, ask about him.
“All that keeps me strong and going,” said Donna.
Networking Helps
On Memorial Day, May 25, many mothers of military personnel attend parades and services and thank veterans. Some find it difficult to bear the emotions that the holiday arouses.
“When a soldier deploys, he leaves his wife and kids, or she leaves her husband and kids. And everyone leaves parents. At any given time, they don’t know whether their soldier is alive or not,” said Alison Malachowski, of Westminster, whose son, Marine Sgt. James Malachowski, served in Iraq in 2004 and 2005, and whose daughter, Army 1st Lt. Brandy Malachowski, was due back in February from a tour in Iraq.
“When my son was in Iraq, the moment he got off the phone I didn’t know if he was alive,”Alison said. “He was very young, 18, and sometimes I could hear sirens and he’d get off the phone, ÔMa, I gotta go.’”
Alison Malachowski enlisted in the Marine Corps in 1976, to prove she could. She rose to the rank of sergeant, got out in 1980 and married James Malachowski. Fast forward two decades, and son Jimmy, a North Carroll High School graduate, enlisted in the Marines at age 17. He turned 19 in Iraq, was home for a few months and then returned to Iraq, where he celebrated his 20th birthday.
When Jimmy was in Iraq, Alison looked for a network to obtain accurate information and support. She volunteered as parent coordinator for two of her son’s deployments, and is now family coordinator for the 224th ASMC. She posts information that she receives from the commanding officer in Iraq about the unit’s activities on a LISTSERV for families. She is on call 24/7 to talk people through bad times or listen if they need to vent. She puts approximately 36 hours a week into the volunteer job.
Jimmy is a career Marine, now an instructor in marksmanship and martial arts at Parris Island Marine Corps Recruit Depot. Brandy, a McDaniel College graduate, returned in February from duty in Iraq as officer in charge of patient administration at a base hospital.
With one exception, Alison and James do not celebrate holidays while their children are deployed. During one of Jimmy’s deployments to Iraq, he told her his unit expected to stay in on Christmas.
On Christmas Eve, she said to her husband, “Isn’t this nice? We know Jimmy’s safe and we know where Brandy is.” She learned later that Jimmy spent Christmas Eve in a ditch. He had grabbed two of her gifts, a Ravens balaclava and hand warmers, as his mobile assault team headed out. He wore the balaclava and stuffed the hand warmers under it to keep his face from freezing.
Now the couple celebrates Independence Day. “We do that for them,” Alison said.
Living With Fear
You live with fears, said Deborah Rambo, of Westminster, whose son, Spc. Zachary Rambo, Maryland Army National Guard, served in Iraq in 2007 and 2008.
“Is he alive? Is he okay? Is he safe? I don’t know, I can’t talk to him, I can’t call. And I know they’re not telling me everything,” she said.
On Mother’s Day, May 10, deployed sons or daughters may call or wire flowers. The flowers James Malachowski sent from Iraq are brown and desiccated now, but his mother still has them.
Deborah and LaMar had tried unsuccessfully to talk their son out of enlisting in wartime.
“He said, ÔI want to be part of something bigger than myself. This is what I have to do,’” said Deborah.
Spc. Rambo returned from a nine-month tour of duty in Iraq on April 19, 2008, his mother’s birthday. It was a happy ending to months of pit-of-the-stomach anxiety; sending packages and trying to talk through phone connections with operators’ recorded voices in a foreign language and party-line simultaneous conversations, in addition to the limits on what Zachary could say about his mission.
Zachary enlisted during his senior year at Winters Mill High School. He entered York College, but was called up after one semester to train, first as an MP, then for infantry. The training was good, and prepared him as well as possible for his mission, Deborah said.
While her son was in Iraq, Deborah lived with what she described as “two huge fears: his life, and if he were going to see and go through things I could not consider, whether it would remain with him.”
Zachary is now a student at Frostburg State University. People shake his hand and thank him for serving, and he had community support while in Iraq. A friend who works for The Arc had the clients send cards and candy; the Westminster High School Key Club sent care packages for his unit (Deborah, an English teacher, is the club advisor). Friends and family sent packages.
Memorial Day, Deborah said, “makes you pause and really appreciate that you have this gift. You think about families that don’t have their sons anymore and how lucky you are. I look at veterans differently now because I have an idea what they’ve been through.”
Drawing Strength
On Mother’s Day 2008, Linda Wunderlich, of Taneytown, did not hear from her son, Army Spc. Joseph Wunderlich, gunner on an MRAP (Mine Resistant Ambush Protected) vehicle in Afghanistan with the 101st Airborne, Air Assault, 506th Regiment. He might be on a mission, she thought, or worse, injured. Joe called the next day. He could not call on Mother’s Day because the platoon held a memorial service for one of their own, Sgt. Isaac Palomarez.
Linda and John “Jack” Wunderlich talked their son into starting college rather than going directly into military service after he graduated from Westminster High School in 1998. But he had a specific goal: Army, 101st Airborne, Air Assault, 506th Regiment, which is a combat branch. In 2004, he enlisted.
Linda and Jack were braced for Joe’s 12-month tour in Iraq, where he served from 2005 to 2006. They knew he looked forward to it. But in March 2008, when he was to leave the service, he was sent instead to Afghanistan for 12 months.
“We were just terrified,” said Linda.
Linda draws strength from Joe. He cannot e-mail, but is usually able to call weekly. She has been journaling his calls, creating a record of his observations about Afghan geography and culture and stories about rare lighter moments like the snowy night a scheduled mission was cancelled, so the men had a snowball fight.
When people ask if Linda has photos of Joe giving crayons to Afghan children, her answer explains his role:
“He doesn’t give crayons to little kids. He protects the soldiers who do.”
Pride and Prayer
Karen and Gilbert DeWitt, of Westminster, have a daughter and son in-law serving in Iraq. Daughter Kelly wanted to quit college and join the military after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, but stayed in college and earned a degree in biology. Then she enlisted. Shortly after Kelly married Warrant Officer Pedro Soria last fall, they were deployed for a 12 or 18-month tour. Stationed seven miles apart in Iraq, Kelly and Pedro see each other once a week, if they’re lucky.
Iraq is the second war zone for Kelly, who served in Afghanistan two years ago. She was always a tomboy who liked a challenge, her mother said. In college, Kelly volunteered for a two-week program in which students lived off the land. She could have joined the Army as an officer, but chose to go in as enlisted. In Korea, Kelly’s first overseas posting, she logged extensive flying time as a helicopter crew chief. She was disappointed not to be allowed on flights in Afghanistan, Karen said.
Karen has been encouraged by friends and family who have sent packages to Kelly and Pedro, prayed for the couple, and laughed and cried with her. Karen also finds comfort in prayer. “I’ve actually learned what it means to pray without ceasing. I give it to the Lord because I can’t do too much,” she said.
A mother’s impulse to make things better, as she did when the children were little, cannot help when they’re fighting a war. “As a Mom, you know they’re lonely and hurting and you want to fix it,” said Karen.
Keeping in touch has been difficult, Karen said. Electricity is in short supply in Iraq and phones do not work well. Karen keeps her cell phone with her at all times in case Kelly is able to call. On Mother’s Day, Kelly sends flowers or fruit baskets. When she was in Afghanistan, she risked the dangers of the marketplace to buy Christmas gifts to send home.
On Memorial Day, Karen will stand proud, for Kelly and Pedro, for her husband, father and father in-law, all veterans, and for her son in-law, who is in the Air Force Reserve. “I just think of all the others who have sacrificed… I go to parades and I cry. I’m very emotional,” she said.
