It’s Hard Not To Be a Helicopter

I have been following Winters Mill High School Principal Michael Brown on social media for several years. His message, enthusiasm and apparent connection to his students have always inspired me. I interviewed him for our Q&A profile in this issue (page 14). The perspectives he shared during our conversation stuck with me and made me reflect on my own parenting decisions.

Over the last four or five years, my parenting challenges have been more about practicing restraint as my children navigated the sometimes overwhelming teen years.

My inclination was to jump in with both feet when they were facing challenges, shielding them from the stress and chaos that life inevitably serves up. I wanted to protect them and tell them the best way forward. But I was also keenly aware that if I did that, it would only be kicking the can down the road — eventually, they would have to navigate through challenges themselves. That meant letting them make decisions that I knew might bring heartache or regret.

It meant sometimes knowing they were heading for failure, which might be painful and humiliating, but also knowing that those life lessons are the ones that stick. It meant watching my son sit on the bench in travel basketball because he didn’t want to ask the coach why, and I elected not to have that conversation for him. It meant telling my daughter that if she felt a teacher was grading unfairly, she needed to talk to the teacher, share her thoughts and listen to the explanation. And if she was unwilling to have the conversation, she should be prepared to just accept the grade given.

I’ve written before about how my mom was always a good listener and involved in my life, but she never told me what to do, even when I was desperate for someone to give me the answers. She listened, offered insights, asked questions and left me to figure out my path forward. Later in life, I realized what a gift that was. She helped me grow and learn by not swooping in to shield me from those challenges. Did I make mistakes? You bet!

Only now do I understand how hard it must have been for her to let me make my own choices, even when she probably knew those choices would result in a broken heart, lost opportunity or regret. It’s surprising how challenging it can be to stay in the passenger seat, cheer, support and provide resources without saying, “This is going to be hard. Let me take the wheel.” You have to buckle up, be supportive and trust that your kid is going to be an amazing driver.

It’s hard not to be a helicopter. But, as parents, the greatest gift we can give our children is supporting them and instilling in them the confidence to develop the knowledge and skills that will allow them to confront the challenges they’ll face throughout their lifetimes.

As the kids head back to school and we await the changing colors of leaves and the return of cooler temperatures, may this season of transition be a fruitful one for you and your family. Happy fall!

Kym Byrnes