Amy Wilson of Westminster keeps the lines of communication open with her children, Brad and Ali.
Written By Donna Engle, Photos by: Phil Grout
Love blooms eternal, especially in the spring. But do not call today’s boy-girl connections “dating,” unless you want teens and young adults to roll their eyes and conclude you really are the dinosaur they thought you were.
“They don’t call it dating. Dating is basically something you do when you get out of college,” said Sara Raley, assistant professor of sociology at McDaniel College. Raley studies the hookup culture as part of her research interests in gender and sexuality. She said the word “dating” signals a level of commitment young adults may not feel ready for. It also implies dressing up and going out to dinner, which is not part of their social scene.
Not dating does not mean not communicating. When Romeo wanted to talk to Juliet, he stood beneath her balcony, but young people today have options to communicate instantly at greater distances.
According to CTIA, the International Association for the Wireless Telecommunications Industry, there are 321.7 million cellular phones in the U.S.; more than the nation’s population.
Internet social networking sites such as Facebook, which reports 1 billion users; and there are online dating services, some aimed specifically at teens.
The teen and young adult social scene includes “hooking up,” an ambiguous term that likely involves sexual activity, and group “dates,” going to dances, proms or parties with friends. Group dating continues in college, where even students in committed relationships often go to concerts, bars or parties in groups.
“We made cliques,” said Emmy Dotterer, 18, of Westminster, recalling high school dances. “All my girlfriends got together” and went to dances.
Gone is the day when a girl who lacked a prom date sat home and cried. “You can go with friends. You’re not dependent on a guy,” said Shannon Mester, 20, of Westminster.
Mixed-gender groups may be what makes this generation different, Raley said. Her take: “I think it’s extraordinarily positive when they can have man and woman friends. If we can look beyond differences of skin color and genitalia, that’s really positive.”
So, what do young people call their version of boy/girl relationships? The term is “talking,” as in “I’ve been talking with this guy for six months.”
“Talking is the initial stage that shows they’re interested in each other,” said Amy Wilson, 48, of Westminster. Wilson, Westminster High School Athletic Boosters president, and her husband Brad Wilson, WHS football coach, have a window on the teen scene through their involvement with students and as parents of Sandy, 20, a college junior, Bradley, 17, a senior, and Ali, 16, a junior, both at WHS.
“When they start being interested in each other, they will kind of announce that they’re talking,” said Amy.
The Wilsons work to keep lines of communication open for discussions of relationships and sexual activity. Amy Wilson “friends” her children on Facebook and follows them on Twitter.
A relationship “is not official until it’s on Facebook,” said Jeff Krumrine, 21, of Westminster. “It’s like an Internet wedding ring.”
Krumrine’s current relationship illustrates how boy meets girl in the 21st century. The couple met in person, but the relationship progressed through text messaging. He texted, “Will you be my Significant Other?” Now they are Facebook official and, he said they are dating.
The medium is new, but the message is old. Making a relationship valid by posting it on Facebook is a new version of being pinned by a fraternity member, said Raley.
Social media and online dating sites breed skepticism and wariness. Dotterer, a self-described “old-fashioned Catholic girl,” tried online dating, but found a lack of sincerity and did not find the “someone genuine and truthful” she was looking for. Others say photos on Facebook or other sites often turn out to have been “improved,” sometimes by Photoshop.
Social media can be helpful or hurtful. Krumrine sees the helpful aspect. If a girl would like to go out with him, she can check him out on Facebook and learn he’s in a relationship. Possible embarrassment spared.
Amy Wilson has seen the hurtful side. When a couple breaks up, each takes down all photos of each other or of them as a couple that were posted on their Facebook sites. The missing photos tip off their friends immediately. The girl’s friends may post comments to the effect that the guy is a jerk, and his friends may post denigrating comments about her.
“It’s the world of gossip, right there on Facebook,” said Amy Wilson.
Any breakup can be painful, but a breakup via text messaging is impersonal and adds possible misunderstandings to the situation. Amy Wilson strongly encouraged her children to give their boyfriends or girlfriends enough respect to end a relationship in person.
“When they get out in the world working,” she said, “they’ll have to know how to have difficult conversations, and I don’t think they’re learning that,” she said.
Adolescents and young adults use the term “hooking up,” but its meaning is ambiguous. A study of 274 college students at a public university found 94 percent familiar with the term. More than half defined it as intercourse or other sexual contact, one-third said it was unclear whether hooking up had to involve sexual activity and nine percent said it did not involve sexual activity.
In researching and talking to McDaniel students, Raley found hooking up can mean anything from kissing, an evening of heavy petting, sexual intercourse or dating.
“It is an unclear level of commitment,” she said, “But students seem to like that ambiguity; the men more than the women,” she said.
Some women find the ambiguity empowering because they can engage in sexual relations without harming their reputations, Raley said. But many are left wondering, “Am I his? Is it official on Facebook?” she said.
The age of first marriages has risen from a median of 25.9 years for males and 21.9 years for females in 1900 to 28.2 years for males and 26.1 years for females in 2010. But the number in committed relationships has changed very little over time, said Raley. In other words, love still blooms.
